Five Things Pacifica is Scared of
by Shaud
Summary: And one she isn't. (Takes place in an AU where she runs away from her parents, child abuse, eating disorder, and panic/anxiety attacks mentioned.)


**This takes place in an AU where after Northwest Mansion Mystery at some point Pacifica runs away and stays with the Pines.**

 **Ages in this can be anywhere really so! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **One**

Eating.

It had been early into her stay at the Pines house. Within a few days he had settled in well, but the extreme change in lifestyle had her on edge a lot of the time. It was little things, too, like how they ate together as often as possible, or how much they all love hugs and contact.

Pacifica herself wasn't a fan of hugs, but living with the Pines had taught her to tolerate them at least. And while she had a hard time eating as much as they did (years of her mother restricting her diet had led to her resenting food in general) she decided that she liked family meals.

That, however, didn't stop her from struggling with eating, or liking the idea of eating.

"You hungry, Paz?"

"Eat more, Pacifica, there's plenty!"

"Hey, uh, do you want some more?"

Their insistent and constant pleas for her to eat wore her down in ways she hadn't expected. They made her irritated and guilty, and fed her self-hate.

She had trouble eating, had trouble getting past the "if you eat, you'll get fat" and the "you're too big already, Pacifica" that her mother had shoved down her throat in place of food. Every meal made her stomach heavy with guilt.

She tried skipping meals, and it worked sometimes. When everyone was too busy with other things, she could slip by without eating lunch. Sometimes breakfast, too. On the rare occasion she could manage to go a whole day without eating, and while she counted it as a victory it was hollow one.

Within a month, though, they had caught on. Or rather, Stan and Mabel had. They had both noticed that sometimes she didn't eat, and managed to convince her to eat even more.

In a fit of defiance, she had refused to eat for two days after she had realized they had tricked her.

It worried Stan to death, and even Ford came to dinner on that third day, sure to be there so that they could have a family meal.

It was easier for her to eat when everyone was there, she found out. And her body had protested her fast so much, that she knew she couldn't do it again.

That didn't mean she liked eating, or that she didn't have more problems, but it definitely helped that the Pines were there.

* * *

 **Two**

Adults.

It wasn't something she would admit out loud, but it also wasn't something she had to. Everyone knew that she would freeze if spoken to in a loud or angry tone. Or that if an adult, or someone too tall, stepped to close she would immediately back away.

The fact that those around her cared showed, though.

It showed in the way that Stan and Ford would announce their presence when they walked into the room.

And the way that Soos never tried high fives with her (low fives were cool though).

It showed in the way that when Pacifica would shrink back, or cower under an adult's gaze, one of the twins or Wendy would step in.

Working at the Shack meant dealing with a lot of adults that had no idea what they were doing, and she was grateful to her friends for how they helped. Dipper's calm and collected voice, Mabel's cheer and comforting hugs, and Wendy's calm attitude and humor all helped in situations where she didn't know what to do.

And of course the adults did the best they could. Soos hardly ever counted as a real adult, with his childish behavior and happy-go-lucky attitude, but he was still an adult figure, and someone that Pacifica was naturally weary of. However, he was perhaps the best out of the adults at understanding _why_ she was afraid of him. He understood her fear of adults, and the fact that he was "a bigger man" as he said.

Stan tried his best to understand. Pacifica could tell it was hard for him, to think that she was scared of him. And he didn't understand when she tried to explain, though she blamed herself for that part. He always thought maybe she didn't like him, or it was his criminal record, or any number of things. And try as she might to explain otherwise, that was always what he walked away with.

Ford was distant, but he and Pacifica had a good, simple relationship. He was tall and easy to anger, which made Pacifica cautious, but he was also quick to forgive and forget. They could talk for hours about absolutely nothing, and both walk away calmer than before. However, Ford didn't like talking about the past, something Pacifica sometimes tended to do. She learned early on not to ask about his past, but even mentions of her parents soon began to bother him.

It was an odd collection of experiences, for sure.

* * *

 **Three**

Punishment.

Most kids disliked punishment; dreaded it, maybe even feared it. But Pacifica's fear was on a whole other level.

The slightest mistake she made would haunt her for days, in fear of backlash. Something like forgetting to organize the shirts would spiral her into a depressed mood for hours.

One day that fear was really put to the test, when she dropped a mug she had been shelving. The resulting boom and shatter echoed in the empty Shack, and she jumped back with a yelp.

When she realized what she had done, her stomach dropped.

Dipper turned the corner quickly to make sure she was okay, and what he saw left him stunned.

He had seen Pacifica wake up from nightmares, challenge bullies, and run away from monsters with less fear on her face than in that moment. Her eyes had gone wide and her pupils small, and her breathing was ragged and shallow.

Dipper knew a panic attack when he saw one, something which Pacifica would later be grateful for.

Dipper instantly was in action, and stepped between Pacifica and the shattered mug. Her panicked face stared at him, her eyes glazed over, and he assured her that she was okay, that it was only a mug. Minutes felt like hours to them both as he kept talking to her, his assuring words helping her ground herself again.

She had almost completely calmed down when Stan had come back in, and demanded to know what had happened to the mug.

This had led to her spiraling out of control again as fear and panic seized her. She sobbed out her apologies and insisted it had been an accident. Stan and Dipper had worked together to calm her down again, while sending each other distressed looks.

Stan assured her that it was fine, only an accident and only a mug. She couldn't be convinced, though, and stayed tense and tearful until later that night.

It was a very, very long day.

* * *

 **Four**

Bells.

Bells were probably a more predictable fear. Dipper had immediately removed anything close to a bell from their home once Pacifica stayed over, so it hadn't really been addressed for some time.

Until one day they were watching Ducktective.

Pacifica wasn't a fan of the show, but Mabel and Stan loved it, so it was something she could do to be closer to them. She watched a few episodes before, but one night in particular there was a marathon, full of episode she had never seen.

She zoned out as she watched the TV, and only occasionally paid attention. Ford hadn't even attempted to try and watch it, which had left the other four on their own, not that Pacifica minded.

Mabel and Stan sat next to each other on the couch, and Pacifica sat on the floor leaning against it. Dipper laid sprawled out on the floor and hogged the popcorn.

Pacifica couldn't follow the series well, the plot being too all over the place, but she found each individual episode entertaining at least.

Except for the one that came on later in the evening. She had just managed to zone out again when she felt her heart begin to race.

Familiar with the feeling, she dimly realized she was about to have another anxiety attack. But when she tried to figure out why, she couldn't think of anything.

In her calm-before-the-storm state, she saw that everyone was still and zoned in on the television. So it wasn't them. And she sat still on the floor, away from everything, so it wasn't her.

So what was it?

She focused on the TV again just as her breathing hitched, and her hands began to shake. There, on the television, a man was ringing a bell. His voice was angry as he rang the bell and called for his butler, and it triggered something within her.

She brought a hand to her mouth as she tried to steady her breathing. This wasn't like her previous attacks, where she blanked out and had to be pulled back in.

This time, she saw things.

She had always thought "flashbacks" were made up, or things done for dramatic affect. Sure, sometimes she could swear she saw one of her parents or something when something went wrong, but it had never been so... intense.

She remembered her father as he swung the bell over and over to scare her into listening. She remembered the things thrown at her, the words yelled, and every other pathetic thing her parents had done. She could feel her mother's hands as they gripped her shoulders and shook her violently, as they had done many times before.

She didn't know how long they lasted, but when she realized where she _really_ was and who she was with, she found herself in Stan's arms with her head laid against his shoulder. Her voice was raw from her cries (which she hadn't been aware of), and her eyes stung. She could feel Stan shaking slightly, and his murmured voice seemed to break as he spoke. She gripped his shirt and buried her face in his chest.

That had been the worst one.

* * *

 **Five**

Love.

Pacifica was scared of love. She was scared that people who loved her would hurt her because they wanted what was best for her, like her parents had always said.

But mostly she was scared of love because it hurt. It hurt when the Pines hung out without her. It hurt when her parents saw her in town, but didn't acknowledge her. It hurt... It just hurt.

She wanted nothing more than to be part of the Pines family, officially and for real. But that wasn't something she saw as realistic. And thoughts of another family abandoning her made her not want it to happen.

So it scared her, plain terrified her, when one day Stan asked if she wanted it to be official. If she wanted to be part of the family.

Of course she did, she had assured him, but she was still scared. She didn't want to be taken away, for sure, but she also didn't want to be abandoned again.

They promised it would never happen, though, and eventually that was good enough for her.

* * *

 **And One**

The Pines.

Pacifica wasn't scared of the Pines family.

In fact, in a lot of ways, they were the _only_ thing she wasn't afraid of.


End file.
